Heart Songs, Note # 23, Perturbation, Aug 4, 2010
Greetings from the Road, my Friends;
I’ve just fallen in love.
I wanted you to be the first to know.
Pause! Breathe. Rest into your breath for a moment, please….
Now, tell me, I’m curious, what leaps of fantasy has your mind already made? Yes, I know you are my support team, and I know you are holding me and my highest good in your hearts and prayers. I thank you for this care and generosity…. It means a lot to me.
FYI, no, my mate has not yet shown up, although I am certain he is close by…
In the Beginning was the Word:
For the moment, it is ‘just’ a word with which I have fallen in love. The word is Perturbation. Of course, as a Harvard graduate and a PhD! I must know this word. However, it has just unveiled itself to me in all its true magnificence. I’d like to share some of this magnificence with you. Perturbation is the keystone to our current evolution on this planet. Perturbation is the heyoka of the New Age – it is persistent and sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
Oh and much to my great joy, I am re-gathering a menagerie. Not quite what I had before the fire, but enough to nourish me. As well as my pup Mojud, and my kombucha mushroom, I was now just gifted a pet kefir colony. My new bundle of kefir bacteria perturbs my milk daily, rendering me the most wonderful fresh, sweet, health-giving kefir!
And did you know that you can perturbate my body’s chemistry to secrete oxytosin, the chemical of bonding, just by looking deeply into my eyes with love? That’s perturbation at it’s tenderest.
[Hear laughter stage left]: I can just hear the peanut gallery, “We were concerned about her before, now we’re afraid she’s really lost it.” If that is your song, I’d recommend you dump this email before you read any further – there could just be some perturbation (translate ‘mischief’ here) in it for you.
Perturbation, ground zero definition:
Of course I’ve known what it means to be perturbed: ‘upset, confused, disoriented’, all with a ‘negative’ twist thrown into the mix. My in-love-ness is my discovery that there is something oh so juicy about the process of perturbation, the process of making it conscious, that is ecstatic and nigh irresistible. True perturbation can only best happen in a unified field of consciousness – viz the meeting of Rumi and Shams y Tabriz. It helps to have good clay!
When we emanate a coherent energy field, we entrain others around us into that coherence – as a Trager practitioner, like myself, in Hook-Up; like a yogi in Samadhi – a sweet perturbation that can be life-transforming.
Perturbation is part of the birthing process as we gradually awaken in the classroom called planet earth. It happens repeatedly in smaller, and sometimes larger packages. [Psst, FYI: our mind’s job description is to do everything it can to close down and to resist the invitation perturbation offers us daily!].
At its very best perturbation disrupts incoherence in such a manner as to entrain and transform it into a coherent field. This is very exciting. It is this coherence that we are in the process of manifesting as we proceed towards the next stage of evolution on earth. It will come through comm-unity working together for the greater good of the whole – the opposite of what our governments have been doing for the past 2000 plus years.
Perturbation has the following linguistic roots: from Latin perturbre : per-, per- + turbre, to throw into disorder (from turba, confusion, perhaps from Greek turb).]
Perturbation has some really fancy meanings in chaos theory and quantum physics. I won’t cite those here. The one in biology is easier to grasp, from Wikipedia:
“A perturbation of a biological system is an alteration of function, induced by external or internal mechanisms. Biological systems can be perturbed through a number of means. Examples include:
• Environmental stimuli (temperature changes, osmotic shock, pressure changes)
• Small molecules that affect different biological pathways (drugs, toxins)
• Motor movements when they encounter external disruptions, such a leg stepping into a hole”
My intention in the writings below is to evolve to an even more elegant, all-encompassing, and beautiful definition of the word perturbation. Remember, the lotus flower, which stands radiant and beautiful four feet above the water, has its roots in the mud and muck.
Some stories from my life:
Pregnancy, labor, birthing, and personality.
I have two exquisitely beautiful daughters, each full and beautiful in her own unique way, inside and out. There is one (I am sure there are many more) outstanding difference between them: both in how long it took each of them to execute the birthing process, which seemingly correlates to a very high degree to how long it takes them to make decisions in their lives. The older seems to experience long periods of perturbation in her decision-making process; the younger seemingly turns on a dime. They each have strong and deep commitment to their decisions, once they are taken. They do not waver in this.
With my first daughter, I got the news of my mother’s passing, five hours later my waters broke, and 256 hours after that my daughter emerged into the world – with and Apgar of 9! Now my body leapt into labor, all went swimmingly quickly to 8 centimeters dilation… and then just hung there in this almost-ready-to-birth place for hours and hours and hours. We finally needed pytosin and an entire team of doctors including her dad to welcome her. The contractions with the pytosin felt like entire apartment buildings were falling together with my body between them. They were horrendous. That’s one kind of perturbation.
The labor with my second daughter on the other hand, was door-to-door 2 ½ hours. Each of the crowing contractions were ecstatic and can best be compared to full body orgasms, in other words, easy and delight-full, life-giving. Oh, God, you can perturbate me that way any old time!
Here’s an observation, another gift from my daughters.
After my divorce, when the girls were four and seven, and for many years thereafter I noticed the following. My ex and I had a co-parenting agreement. The kids would go back and forth between my home and his home. No matter the length of their stay with me, whether it was several days, a week, a month or more, the same pattern emerged. It would take them about 1/3 of the time to “get” there, then for about 1/3 of the time they were really “there”, and then about 1/3 of the time was spent in preparation for the move to their dad’s. So, 2/3’s of their young lives was spent in Perturbation time, while only 1/3 was spent in Being time.
I remember one of them asking me: “Mommy, why do we have to be so different at your house than at dad’s?” [This was not an easy divorce and communication was not good between him and me nor between me and him]. I remember responding: “That is why we are not living together. You will take the best from each household from which to create your lives when you grow up.” – and bless their hearts, they have!
In 1993-4 I spent ten months in Israel.
What an incredible gift; what a beautiful open-hearted, welcoming and up-front honest people. It was there that I first began to consciously witness my own perturbation / birthing-of-the-new process. During those ten months I had three wonderful hostesses. With each of them, after months of grace-filled time together, I would experience a time or perturbation that would last from a week to ten days, time in which I knew I must move on, but had not yet figured out how to do so or where to go. I would feel low-grade agitated, uncomfortable inside my skin, awkward, more separate and different than I had at any time prior in our visit, antsy, and to a certain degree “stuck” and unable to move. It was like there was a battle going on inside of me. “To Be or not to Be”: the old was done, but the new had not yet birthed itself, this is perturbation in process.
Functional Spiritual Perturbation:
Interestingly, I have been experiencing exactly the same quality of angst/tension, in much smaller does and for much shorter durations, just before each new shift on this current road journey.
Much has fallen away from me since my house burned Thanksgiving week ’09. I almost take it for granted that more will fall away. My home and my belongings (except my viola, as I was playing a concert about the birth of Christ) all went Nov 21, ’09. Feb 21, ’10 I received an email from my local Sangha telling me I could no longer lead Dances of Universal Peace with them – something I had been doing for the previous five years. The first loss was hard, but it was just ‘stuff’, stuff that anchored me, but stuff nonetheless. The second cut to the core of my being. What I had thought to be spiritual family had deserted me. I did not understand from whence this desertion came, and no communication was granted. This isolation rendered the grieving yet deeper and at once harder to process.
Looked at in perspective, my entire current life is one massive perturbation – the fire erased 68 years of manifest history, the next piece of my life journey is still in process of being birthed, the details of which have not yet been unveiled. The voice of the ego by job-description is often in ‘hold-back’ mode; that of my Spirit is ready to soar.
I was very aware that something was going on, when just before coming to the PanEuRhythmy workshop in early July in Victor, Montana, I had to pull over to ‘meditate’, even though that was likely to make me late for my first dinner with the PanEuRhythmy folk. Well, in a very busy highway parking lot I went out cold for at least an hour. I was aware at the time that this was my soul’s preparation for the perturbation awaiting me there. There has been a pause required at each new shift on this journey, a breathing into the next perturbation.
Perturbation is an offering from Spirit.
Perturbation is an offering to support us on our journey of personal and soul evolution on planet earth. Perturbation comes in all sorts of packages – usually perfectly exquisitely designed to catch and grab onto the part of our ego that is most in need of (and most resistant to) opening to new possibilities. How we respond determines the degree to which, the depth and the speed at which, we get to digest (incorporate, integrate) that particular perturbation. The more we resist, the more difficult and the harder the journey, or as Pir Vilayat comments: ‘no spiritual growth takes place when one is holding a grudge’ – and what is resistance, but a grudge against ourselves, or someone, or the process, or whatever…. Resistance is a desperate death cry of the ego to hold onto what it believes is safe and firm ground upon which to stand – ie what you thought your life and world were about.
Perturbation: My week at Wilderness Dance of Universal Peace Camp, Rollins, MT, end of July, ‘10.
I just got a beautiful lesson in the fullness and beauty of spiritual perturbation, a story that is humbling to share, but I believe worth sharing – if only that you do not have to walk as many steps as did I, and also so you can recognize the territory when it arises and surrender to the gifts that it enfolds.
In this week at dance camp, the perturbation process became strikingly clear to me. There was a stimulus (there always is, although when the stimulus comes only from inside it may not be as visible). Two days before camp was to start, I received an email that perturbed my inner sense of flow and equilibrium. I need to be more accurate in that articulation. Really, nothing from outside can really affect one. It is one’s own inner response that determines the degree and quality of perturbation one experiences. At the most gross level there is always the choice between Victim and Gratitude, between Fear and Hope.
Well, I had resistance to the information I received in that email, and it was my resistance to that information that created several days of uncomfortable perturbation for me. By the way, the story-line, who’s right and who’s wrong is really irrelevant. What is relevant in how you are able to use the perturbation of the stimulus, is how you respond. In the process of focalizing my resistance (ego-survival), I successfully dissolved the joyous equilibrium that had been my status quo. I consequently began the process of coming apart at the seams. I had allowed someone else’s words to throw me into inner turmoil.
What were the symptoms of my resistance to this perturbation?
• I could not sleep at night (and as I became more aware, I realized that similar perturbations were happening in many of my fellow campers, each for their own unique reasons, but with the similar symptom: interrupted or lost sleep, often accompanied by anxiety or nightmares. This lasted for the first several days at camp. Sleep was not only interrupted and lost, but angst claimed me in the middle of the night, which has not happened for some time. Did I take this as a clue that something ‘big’ was afoot? No, I just closed down more in resistance to my own close-down. I was still harboring the belief that cause resided outside of me. Unless we are very conscious, such close-down is, by the way, very ‘normal’ behavior. Feeling separate and alien is a dance we humans seem to do on our way to unity consciousness.
• My breathing seemed to slow and become more shallow – I was allowing less prana, less life force into my body.
• My chest, heart center, felt as if there were a vice on it – my body had become identified with the hurt and outrage I was feeling.
• I became hypersensitive, paranoid would be an exaggeration, but certainly describes the flavor of this hyper-alert-sensitiveness that I was exploring.
• At the same time, I could feel myself isolating myself, feeling separate, uneasy, not belonging, different – and finally, alien… to both myself and to those around me, and in particular, oh so tight around the person who had sent the stimulus email just prior to my arriving at camp.
By the end of the second sleepless night I was in such close-down pain that I was ready – still believing it was ‘out there’ (a good trick of the ego) – to leave camp, or,…. to walk through. I decided on the latter. I was no longer willing to continue the drama of shut-down that was happening in my body/mind.
So I sent this person the following email, knowing that my choice here is what mattered and whether I heard back or not, or he did what I asked or not, was of little relevance:
“Woke up this morning with the following — an experiment…
I will endeavor to live the practice: see you as the Beloved in all your radiant beauty.
I’m wondering if you would be willing to live the practice and see me as the Beloved in all my radiant beauty?
Certainly a beauty alternative to the kakimunkus polarizations we have somehow walked into.
Have a wonderful day, 🙂 M”
Interestingly, this opened a completely new door in my process of perturbation. This time I owned it as mine alone and not objectified in the ‘other’. The process of coming apart at the seams continued. I continued to dissolve.
The day I sent the above email, I stopped being able to hear the notes on my viola.
I love the Schema Israel, and have played it many times, in fact it was the first tune I was allowed to hear when I was first beginning to play by ear some 5-6 years ago. The sound that comes through my viola for that song has been transformative for some members of the circle. I went to get my viola in order to play for the dance – only to find: I could not hear the notes, I simply could not find them. This really scared me: “Oh, God, how much more do I need to let go of, not this too, please, not my music?!?”. This tone-deafness continued for two days.
On the fourth morning, I awoke with the sensation that my cells were dissolving, that form, as I knew it to be, was falling away from me. Form and purpose for being are related. Without purpose, what is the reason to continue in 3-D?, I wondered. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was neither suicidal, nor depressed – I simply could no longer discern a meaning to be here in this classroom called planet earth. My mind wanted meaning. And, I felt totally alien from all that was around me – except possibly the water and the trees. This is true, deep, perturbation.
The re-integration process was equally fascinating – and did come with some help from the outside. Where the dissolution had taken the better part of a week, the re-integration happened in a matter of hours. One person simply held the cranial bones of my head when I told him that I felt I was dissolving cell-by-cell, while he kept repeating, “Oh, that’s so beautiful, that’s so beautiful.” The pressure on the cranial bones of my head was comforting, and imparted some sense of form; the words, although they made no cognitive sense to me at the time, were soothing.
Another friend, when I told him I was dissolving, just laughed and said: “Congratulations, that’s wonderful!”. This irritated what was left of my debilitated ego and gave it some form.
Then a very bright scientist started firing questions at me. I decided to answer from the state of consciousness in which I found myself, rather than going into pretend or evading. The very process of having to use my brain to climb inside his to see how to connect with him, gave me back my brain. I got that, although what I was saying to him may have seemed as if it was coming from a very different planet (this is where his perturbation came in – since we are all One, we get to pass around our perturbation gifts), he was really listening and actually hearing what I was saying.
Later that day, I was playing in the center of the circle again, with a sense of ease and comfort and solidity. I was hearing the notes quite well, and felt at peace for the first time since I had arrived at camp.
Illness too is a perturbation, a wake-up call.
I saw a client recently who has been very ill and weakened by pneumonia and concomitant liver failure over the past six months. She articulated it beautifully: not only did she feel physically weakened, but she had lost the emotional stamina that allowed her to feel and sustain a state of being vulnerable. It takes energy to rise with the gift of perturbation – a lot of energy. She has been watching flickering images almost constantly during this time of healing, particularly a bunch of old videos that she watches time and again. She was using the flickering images as medicine, medicine to occupy her monkey mind so that she would not feel the fear (flashbacks from a horrendous childhood), and she could keep at bay memories that were perturbating themselves into her consciousness. She knows there is freedom and aliveness there to live – and she has the wisdom to know that the time is not yet, that she does not have the emotional of physical resilience yet to walk it through. She is very aware that the terror is the gate-keeper of the at the threshold of her future Aliveness. We all walk our perturbations in our own time – actually, in God’s.
What a lovely teacher she was to me in that session. Thank you. [BTW: Everyone is our teacher, if we only welcome them as such!]: our egos so want us to look good to the outside, to hurry us past the deep opportunities for healing that the big perturbations of life offer us. I too have that voice: “Why don’t I yet know who I will be when I grow up?” – post fire.
I wonder: how is it that as a culture we are so addicted to living a ½ life, to making ‘nice”, to keeping the perturbations at bay?
It is interesting to note that at the moment one is living any experience there is absolutely no fear, no emotion, no matter how awe-full that experience may be. It is in the moment the mind steps in to witness or judge or assess what is happening, that fear (resistance, hurt, anger, you name it) is birthed.
We are in a time of great change on the planet.
There has been and will be much more perturbation. How are you walking the perturbations in your life? Is it your ego or your soul that is in the driver’s seat? Do you ride the horse of FEAR, or the one of TRUST? Or is perhaps the Ostrich your totem in these days where it can All sometimes simply feel like Too Much?
There are perturbations we simply cannot allow into our consciousness in their fullness at the time they come to us. I have noted that I have a certain ‘deafness’ when it comes to hearing that a beloved is about to leave their body. I remember my mother writing me a letter a month or so before she died telling me she was an “old lady” – her way of telling me she was dying. Well, she was 57, my grandma died at 95, my mind could not hear her, would not hear her. Twice later, others have told me they were dying, and again, I did not hear them. With one, a soul buddy, my body told me. As I drove away from our last visit, I burst into hours of uncontrollable sobbing, crying out to God that in our next lives together we would be inseparable.
How have the perturbations of your life brought you closer to God, to wholeness, to Love? What are the gifts of these perturbations for you? And, if there were perturbations that at the time you received as negative or ‘bad’, is there a way you can revisit them now and reframe so you can use them as life-giving rather than life-taking? All IS a gift from the Divine. What are the perturbations to which you lend a deaf ear?
No matter what “story” you ascribe to be the causative factors underlying the events of 9/11 when the planes ran into the towers in NYC, the perturbation sparked on that day is still unfolding at a cellular level world-wide today. No matter your understanding of the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ of our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, they are perturbating your world – as is the depleted uranium released there, now world-wide in all the air we breathe. There are many more perturbations that at some level are touching each one of us, and of course more intensely at ground zero.
The tsunami of several years ago in SE Asia was the first ‘Big’ ‘Natural’ perturbation, calling us to attention; then came the large earthquake in China. More recently, just this year, we have had two large earthquakes, in Chile and in Haiti, a massive volcanic eruption in Iceland that dusted most of Europe, and now an ongoing oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. That’s just this year, and the year is barely 8 months old.
We are shifting from a world where close-down was the trigger response, to one in which walking through and using the energy to open our hearts to the connectedness of all life and how we may serve it is the only clear option.
Perturbation, operational definition for the Times we are in:
Perturbation is that which can catalyze change, not arithmetically, not geometrically, but something akin to logarithmic change or greater than that.
• Perturbation is a life-giving, life-enhancing opportunity for transformation and transcendence.
• Perturbation is designed to disrupt the status quo, to open your heart and Spirit.
• How much Perturbation can you stand?
• How much LOVE can you allow into your life, can you Live in your live?
• How much of the Creator can you fit into this 3-D physical manifestation?
The clearer, more congruent, more heart-centered you are, and I am, the more we are contributing to a unified field of peace on earth for all peoples. It is with this perturbation of unconditional loving presence that we get live into the next world. Thank you for being a part of this new wave of consciousness.
By Rasakhan (1534? – 1619?)
English version by Shyamdas
I put my fingers in my ears
to block the sound
whenever Krishna gently plays His flute!
“It happens when enchanter Mohan
climbs to the rooftop
to call His cows.
“I issue a warning to all the people of Braja.
Tomorrow, I will not be able to console them.
Having glimpsed His smile,
I will not
control my love.”
O – O – O – O – OM,
O – O – O – O – OM,
SHANTI PRA SHANTI,
O – O – O – O – OM.
Book Gift: Carla Hannaford: Playing in the Unified Field, Raising and Becoming Conscious, Creative Human Beings. Disclaimer: I wrote all of the above before reading her book. Acknowledgment: it was Jamilla Nur, Carla’s Sufi name, that dropped the word perturbation into my consciousness at dance camp last week. Thank you Jamilla Nur for the inspiration.
Contact information for Marianna Hartsong remains the same:
Email: well at hartsong dot net
Mailing Address: PO Box 4394, Sedona, AZ, 86340.
If you wish to mail to me directly for the month of August send to me, care of:
I.D.E.A.L. Society Box 280 , Jaffray, B.C. VOB 1T0 Canada